Tuesday, February 18, 2014
September 7, 1995 through March 14, 1997
Priorities: for work next fall.
1. Job in aquaculture in Carteret Co.
2. Grad. school at U.N.C. Chapel Hill
3. Teaching at Secondary level in Carteret Co.
4.?????
9-8-95
A week into September. The morning, is, or was, till summer sounds of stillness, crickets and other insects, maybe cicadas, chirping in unison creating a background chorus. Winds of yesterday afternoon have fallen off. Boris was restless this morning at 5:00 and now is gone. He seems a different dog these past few days, older. Almost makes me think he's had some stroke or something. Yesterday morning he was waiting for me to eat breakfast, by standing in the kitchen staring straight ahead into space, then he'd move to the living room and do the same thing.
No coffee yesterday morning and geez what a grouch, and over-sensitive, I was. Caffeine and I are buddies now. One of the next things I have to work on now is the statement of background interests and future plans in Marine Science for Grad School. My clock shows 6:00. Bo cleans and scratches his native fauna of fleas. The sky is lightening but darkness overtakes my gaze when looking below the tree line.
Background:
As an undergraduate engineering student at Penn State University I found that my interest in biology surpassed my interest in engineering.
Maybe I should start this project with an outline:
I. Engineering to Marine Science.
II. Marine Science @ Southampton
III. Natural Resources Experience.
A. Shellfish Management Survey.
B. Flagging Wetland; fresh and salt.
IV. Smithsonian.
A. Collecting algae-covered corals.
B. Working on the boat, maintaining collections.
C. Helping out @ Biosphere II. Closed system.
V. Aquaculture for East Hampton Town.
A. First season growing out seed purchased from hatcheries.
B. Subsequent seasons conditioning animals, spawning, larval culture, post-set culture.
1. Benefits of moving from a large-cultch setting to a micro-cultch setting.
2. Improvements in spawning bay scallops and continued problems w/ conditioning bay scallops.
3. Concerns regarding mortality.
a. Survival of clam seed after rerlease to market size.
b. Overwintering of seed in 2 bottom types.
4. Realization in conducting research of my limited knowledge regarding experimenttion, ie setting up a valid experiment, and using the proper statistical analysis.
5. A need to write for grants.
VI. Future plans relative to Marine Science.
A. Setting up own small-scale business in coastal North Carolina growing oysters and clams.
B. Would like to develop a system whereby oysters could be grown to market size w/out great losses.
VII. Interests.
A. Gaining a working knowledge and ability to successfully write for grants.
B. Be capable of setting up valid scientific research.
C. Learn about Marine microbiology and the effects of marine microbes on shellfish culture in coastal N.C.
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Later on 9-8-1995
ReplyDeleteI'll leave some idea space for the outline. For the last few days this Grad School idea is sticking around. Perhaps I'm getting too comfortable with this option - as if it's already a done deal. I have to remember that it is only an option- a distant/remote one at that considering I haven't applied yet. I'll have to turn my energy into action by continued work on the statement. A good idea would be to put a due date on the statement so I can steadily work toward it. That worked well for studying for the G.R.E. This'll be a good fall goal. I'll have to ask recommendation people early so that they have plenty of time. Of course a problem with that is I'll be forced to let John know earlier than I would have wanted if I wasn't persuing this option. I need to come up with some questions for Sharon at Chapel Hill concerning application and applying. A little research into professional papers written by Peterson and others there would be good too. I'll wait till I get the application info before I start brainstorming.
Trite stuff this writing lately, but it helps me organize thoughts and settle psyche. Vacuming the floor this evening got my thoughts on building a small John-like cottage. That's a great dream....
9-10-1995
ReplyDeleteThe day after Georgette and Ed's Anniversary.
I'm reading "How to Want What You Have" a book Terry sent me. Sometimes I catch myself thinking this book is too simplistic, but not long after, his points seem true and worthwhile trying:
COMPASSION, ATTENTION, GRATITUDE.
are the three main thought processes that Timothy Miller is stressing as the cornerstones of thinking to enable wanting what one already has. The question of why should one want what one already has is answered, but I keep forgetting, then when I think about the answer I think well what if we all wanted what we have is he then proposing that the world would be a better place? If that's the point, then isn't that wanting what we don't have?
In the chapter on compassion he has in italics; under formulating compassionate thoughts:
"This person ultimately wants about the same things that I want, for about the same reasons. We differ only in the strategies we choose and the opportunities and talents available to us."
Then Miller notes some corollaries:
"1. No one is absolutely entitled to get what he wants.
2. No one ever gets all that he wants.
3. Everyone is ultimately disappointed.
4. No supreme being or mysterious force decides who will be rewarded and who will be disappointed.
5. No one deserves pain.
6. No one deserves to avoid pain.
7. Pain is an inevitable part of every life.
8. No supreme being or mysterious force decides who will suffer and who will not.
9. No one can ever be absolutely sure that he is right and his adversary is wrong.
10. No one can ever be absolutely sure that his ends justify his means.
11. All people fear losing what they have in just the same way that I fear losing what I have.
12. No one - including me - wants to be powerless; few people willingly surrender their power, regardless of how illegitimate I think their power is.
13. When someone else feels sad, or scared, or angry, it feels about the same way to hime or her as it does to me.
14. Other people justify their methods for getting what they want in just the same way I justify my methods for getting what I want."
9-10-95,
ReplyDeleteEvening.
Wind's blowing, air's cooling. Bo and I haning our reading, sleeping. A lazy Sunday filled with reading "How to Want What You Have." I just finished it and was all set to take a shower but decided not. Instead I'll write. I owe Ed and Georgette a note on their anniversary card, but since I talked to Ed today, I'm lacking the motivation to send it off. Laziness overwhelmes me. Tsk, tsk. I got all psyched to get a frame for the collage of photographs sitting under my bed for an unrememberable amount of time, but the store I was hoping to find a frame in was closed. Now I glance at the card I got to send but can't think of any words to put in it. Just Do it!
Maybe I'll use this space to think of something to say. I think I've promised myself that only one hour of each day will be spent strategizing for the future move. This promise was born out of reading the ATTENTION chapter. It kind of, no not kind of, it makes me pay attention to the here and now. Thus the plan. I find I'm spending too much internal dialogue rehearsing the upcoming situation. It's going to come and I'll work it out. No sense thinking it over and over in my mind.
So, how bout dem Yankees? Yankees, I thought the revolution was over.
Happy Anniversary, Ed and Georgette!
Life is good. The air is clear and the wind blows strong. I hear it outside my bedroom window washing over the tree tops. Another instrument in the orchestra of crickets and night sounds.
This is a lazy Sunday. I've been overtaken by a book called "How to Want What You Have."
One day melts into the next, now it's Tuesday morning. The moon was bright last night. Now it's a cool, calm, clear new day. Time just marches on. It's easy to see how you two have been married eighteen years. It goes so fast. Here's to many more.
9-12-95
ReplyDeleteFinished the letter. Slow writing. I owe Greg a letter. He's moving to Asheville to start the Pretzel's Plus store October 1st. He's a wild man!
Napeague was a flat looking glass. We inspected last year's oysters near Hick's Island then motored/flew down to the oyster grow-out project by the Art Barge. One of the clearest and calm mornings that I've been out on the water this year. The northern end of the harbor was so clear that all/many of the bottom dwellers were easily seen. Down by the project though, the water was not as clear, a slight oil-like film covered the water's surface.
September...the present after the summer hordes. Warm water, clear days and cool nights. It's too easy to miss these breathtaking days by being disappointed in the Fall changes of shorter daylength and thoughts of impending Winter. Silly to worry about those far distant occurrences. Today's all I've got. Enjoy it. Don't get caught up in oversensitiveness. Summer went fine without nary a thought of oversensitive feelings.
Now is the time to act. I'm helping Gary prep for taping and spackling the kitchen and sun room by screwing the drywall. Kitchen's done. Now I just need to finish the sunroom - by doing ceiling above and below the skylights. Next on the list will be to cover the boat. Clean out the garage to make room for the kayak. Then after that maybe this weekend I can scout around for kayak building books or articles to get me in the right frame of mind. Ill have to scrape up the boat file so I can get my mind rolling. The other item on the list is to write away for transcripts from Penn State and L.I.U. plus some sealed copies of G.R.E. scores so I can be ready to mail a packet off to U.N.C. as soon as possible.
9-14-95
ReplyDeleteThursday morning. Rains drummed the rhododendron, oaks, hickory, grass and roof. I could har the gutter by the corner of the house gurgling with water running off the roof. Now as the wind blows over the trees, smaller rain showers errupt then stop as quickly as they started.
I'm writing at the kitchen table now since my desk, and most other flat spaces in my room are covered with photographs as I try to assemble a collage of friend and family pictures. I finally found a frame - almost the size of the corkboard that I started assembling these pictures on close to half a year ago.
Yesterday as I ran down King's Point Road and then along Hog Creek Lane smells were standing out. The few showers in the afternoon dampened the woods. A rich humusey smell similar to hat struck my awareness. I realized that it has een a long time since I've noticed that smell. Almost like the complete quiet of a calm winter day. I hadn't realized how this drought had robbed me of the rich smells. Oh maybe that's not so true. Last week I was overwhelmed by the smell of guano as I ran along the second causeway by Accabonac. And later on, maybe it was the same run, I was struck by the smell of pines at the park in front of Rick and Maud's.
The photograph arranging has got me thinking about albums. I've come up with an idea that would have me making several. One for family - I could find pictures of Mom and Dad's parents with them as children and young adults, then continue on through family get-togethers to today. An album for friends starting with Australia and on through today. An album for work. An album for trips and vacations. That would be a good way of organizing those pictures hanging out in my drawers.
9-16-95
ReplyDeleteLate dinner and muck drinking at Laura's last night with Sandy and Gary. Now, today, I've been funked out. The effect of too much alcohol and not enough sleep take their toll. I spend the day off. Too much thinking about myself. Too much examining of navel lint. I might say I'm depressed but that's too dramatic. Got a few things on the list done like typing up and sending off requests for transcripts. I need to read something. I'm overwhelming myself with unfinished projects: "Seasoned," kayak, photo collage...and on it goes. I'm restless and bored amidst many things. I need a new book but I want to read "How to Want What You Have" again for more insight. I'm in a quandry because I don't feel comfortable w/ the decision to go, yet at the same time I don't feel comfortable staying in the present situation. CATCH 22! What to do? I've got to go for it, that's all.
9-19-95
ReplyDeleteTuesday afternoon. I buoyed. Screwing a little sheet rock, then the idea came to look at "Building Thoreau's Cabin" for pointers on sheetrocking. Sure enough, there's a section on sheetrock work. While I was thumbing through I noticed a section on interior trim and one on electric! Excellent next book. Anyway I've come here to begin work on my grad. school statement. I've set October 1st as the deadline for having it written. Hear that, October 1st!
So eleven days should be ample time for this undertaking! Little bits of hickory nut husks are raining down from the trees overhead.
Drafts of statement of background for grad school application.
Several entries between the last one and this last entry.
ReplyDeleteMarch 14, 1997
The spaces between these entries have grown. My religiousness in writing, at least for two week to a month stings has been quashed by the worship of higher education.
Black bean gas wells up in me and awakes. I sit on the toilet revisiting the products of decomposition - gaseous forms first.
Boris needs to go out. As I wait for his bark to make me aware of his return, I lie in bed thinking. A mistake! Thoughts of Mom and her troubles. Life certainly isn't fair. But who ever said that it was. Somehow we've gotten a perverse sense that all works out the way we want it to. Of course this isn't something Mom has opined. Quietly she accepts, or at least from my perspective, the weight of aging. T.I.A. - Trans Ischimic Attack - I sincerely doubt the spelling. A mini-stroke in that no lasting effects are left after a few days. But during the attack - diziness, slurred speech, what else? It happened Saturday around mid-day. She ended up calling Karen to take her to the hospital because Diane was in New Bern.
In talking to her Sunday morning after Diane called to let me know, her speech was still slurred. She said it was very hard for her to get out of bed because she felt like her arms and legs were made out of lead. But she was up and trying to stay on her feet.
Monday night she sounded much better. Her speech was back to normal and she said she felt pretty good despite the usual pain associated w/ the right side of her face being drawn back (Bell's Palsy - side effect of the surgery to remove an acoustic neuroma in 1994 where doctor accidently cut right auditory nerve in the process.)
I made a pledge to myself to get to NC once every two months. The last time I was there it was Thanksgiving. That'll be close to four months. Not good. It's almost like I've abandoned those guys since my decision not to move south. That makes me feel real bad. Sure, I've got a great excuse - classes (working part-time while on my Masters in Marine Environmental Scienes in the College of Marine and Atmospheric Studies at S.U.N.Y. - Stony Brook while working full-time at the East Hampton Town Shellfish Hatchery in Montauk, started Fall semester 1996). But that's really bullshit.
Mom and Diane and Bob went to Durham Wednesday and Thursday. Mom had an appointment to get some shots to try to relax the muscles in the right side of her face. They also managed to squeeze in a visit w/ Torrian, the neurologist. He says that she has small vessels disease which is a blockage of the small vessels in her brain which causes her attacks. The drugs available aside from aspirin have some pretty heavy duty side effects. She's up to 2 aspirin/day to try to minimize the clots by thinning the blood.
To make matters wors Diane talked to her about her driving. Apparently Mom was aware of the incident when she was driving Karen back to Piver's Island a few weeks ago.
When I talked to Mom last night she didn't mention anything about talking w/ Diane about driving, etc. But I know it's weighing heavily on her. My strategy, or, rather, thoughts I've been pushing on Diane have been centered on the virtues of taking a cab and the idea of figuring out how much it costs to operate a car then working backwards to relating that to # of cab fares. Now that I'm thinking about this a bit more I wonder if this is yet another denial of the obvious: Mom's aging, as Diane put it, "failing health." I guess you have to point that out that it's not. If anything it's an acceptance that seeks to minimize the effect of isolation that comes with aging.
No ice or snow, at least when I let Boris back in about an hour ago.