Journal 17: November 6, 2000 through October 6, 2001. So much of life seems to be about Fear. Fear can crowd out desire. Fear deadens mind and spirit. Fear is the chain that weighs me down to the inevitable grave. I am alive still, I know, but a wall separates me from life. I see people living, loving, hurting each other and always, always fading into the distance. Out of my escapable reach. Arms outstretched adn all retreats. Dried up and out, I long for the rain to wash me into the ground, at least back to my home. Perhaps the worms will love me as they love life itself as they knead me into hiome. How long I have waited for my homecoming, yet I have waited half a lifetime. Dry, barren, my skin is cracked, my remaining hairs turn to grey. I am older than my oldest sibling. I fear and surround myself in the cloak of death to spare myself pain and suffering. Can I separate myself from fear enough to love, enough to forget about self. To truely love, you must give up self. Give it to what? December 6, 2000. Crystal clear, cold blackness inside and out. Waves break on the sand; white crests are illuminated by a waxing moon. Last ballroom dancing class. I think it'll be smaller than usual group tonight. Quiet solitude at home and work. I'm into too much negative thinking since Thanksgiving. Morning walks before work have felt good, but I'm troubled about the land, thinking about selling the house and moving south, but to what? Another life filled w/ running too and fro thinking I'm helping others, but not really doing anything. I keep thinking that I need to start weight lifting or swimming at the Rec Center. I don't like how I'm thinking about myself and life in general. What's going on? I need a change, but am afraid that I'll be a junkie for never ending change. Cold creeps into the truck as I sit here writing, deep in my ceaseless thoughts. Too much thinking not enough doing. Will a plan help me out of this state? I need something, but don't know what, who or where to look. A drink before and w/ dinner the last two nights have helped, but I don't want to go too far down that road. Diagram for steps to the Cha Cha. Fun class. I reslove to go to Sugar Reef next Tuesday @ 7:00 p.m. for more Latin dancing lessons.

Journal 16: April 20, 2000 through November 23, 2000. Random notes and sketches on first few pages. April 20, 2000. Frank, Ollie (Renita and John's dog) and I were driving to work this morning and noticed the newest safety additions on the road to Montauk: white, plastic posts 50' apart w/ reflective tape at the top in the grassy areas in the few remaining sections w/out guard rails. We laughed and tried to figure out when they'd been added and then imagined the future safety additions. On the next page I sketched in pencil the road with wooden walls at the edge and tree limbs hanging over and titled it "Road to Montauk 2010"

Journal 15: November 3, 1999 through Juoly 4th, 2000. November 3, 1999. Visit w/ Tom in Pittsburgh eagerly awaited is now past. Good memories: sitting on the couch together reading. Having beers at the bar in Homestead. Sitting on the "deck" under the canopy of grape leaves w/ a few bunches of grapes still hanging on. Camping at Ohiopyle. Sitting by the fire. Sitting in neighboring stalls in the restroom, yaking away. Walking on the abandoned railway trail, swimming bare-assed in the cold/icy Yawk; then sitting on the rocks like lizards drying off, soaking up the sun. Meeting Tom's coworkers: Dana, Carey, Dennis and the barber, Carl. Checking out Pittsburgh connections to the past: 110 Dallas Ave (where Mom, Dad and Diane lived with Grandma and Grandpa Hassler when Dad got out of WWII and was going to school at Pitt for Petroleum Engineering), Homewood Cemetery (were the Grandma and Grandpa Page are buried.) Driving around some of the areas where Tome works and lives: southside, the slopes, Allentown, Squirrel (Town) Hill. Walking to get things: bagels and coffee, groceries, a movie. Seeing Tom's abode and getting some time to make a sketch through the window in his "office." Sitting here eating dinner, writing and listening to music and reflecting on the weekend is a good thing. I'm glad to take time like this. I realize the things I enjoyed most had to do with just being together. Walking in the rain under partially helpful Pirates umbrella was particularly enjoyable. The rain was still warm and knowing that soon I would be able to dry off made the experience less of a dash through the drops and more a stroll. I liked that. Tom's a good guy. I have to remember to tell people to move over so I can sit next to them instead of parking myself solo, then getting uncomfortable and kicking them off my couch/bed under the ruse of feeling tired. Why do I throw up obstacles to being "close" company w/ the people (friends/family) I'm visiting. Just because I'm sitting close doesn't mean I'm wanting sex; it just means I like being close. After the visit w/ Becky I realized that I like touching. The beauty I'm now realizing is that just because your touching someone doesn't mean it's a sexual thing. It also can be a loving thing. I'll have to remember this when I'm in NC for Thanksgiving. A good opportunity to take advantage of the family bonds and loving for touching.

Journal 14: June 3rd, 1999 through October 31, 1999. Red band of light above the horizon where the sun set. A norhtwest and slightly cooler wind is blowing, but now howling (yet). If it gets too strong and the boat gets too bouncy I'll head to the truck. Last summer on the boat taught me good lessons. Foremost if sleep doesn't happen on "Arianne" go to where it will. I'm feeling good right now. An eggplant parmigian hero, a tall boy Rolling Rock and a salad were my dinner. I bought this new notebook and a new pen plus some cool colored candles. The red light is fading and the lights of the norhtern end of the Lake are brightening. The Yacht Club, plus the marinas, etc in Coon's Foot Cove are bright. Lights from the hosues along West Lake Drive are sparse so far - it's only Thursday night. Tomrrow night and the rest of the weekend'll find more lights burning. Time to retreat below and light the candles, or maybe it's shower time. Shower time wins. Now I'm back below. Jazz from WPBX fills the cabin. Writing is lighted by the cool candles. A chianti bottle/candle holder started last summer and thoughtfully saved shines again with a turqoise candle adding wax to the layers of greens, blues, and purples from the last boating season. Started the Clam College again, this time w/ three sizes of clams and a replicate group to be run after this trial.

Journal 13, October 15, 1998 through June 1, 1999. Almost lost track of the date. Saw a movie at the (Hamptons) Film Festival- "20 Dates." Funny. Inspiring. Especially after being sullen today. Thinking about my evening ~1 1/2 hours w/ Kelly last night, at an "Opening Party" that she was covering. How many times do I have to revisit that glitterati scene to know that it's a world totally separate from mine? How many times do I have to get together w/ Kelly to realize that our worlds are so very far apart? I like Kelly. She seems original, but I doubt my judgement. I want to be loved by a woman, but somehow feel I have to settle for what ever calls me back. Have faith in yourself man. You need to ask women out. You need to ask many women out. How will you ever know who's right for you it you sit at home, alone, waiting for Ms. Right to knock on the freakin' door. Get on with it man.

Journal 12: September 1, 1997 to ??? notes from O.P.S. class in Fall 1998. September 1, 1997. Delaware River - Smithfield Beach Access. End of a canoe trip with Gary, Darcy, George, Hershey (Darcy and George's dog), Bo and I. We hordes are ascending the slope to whre vans and buses pick us up. Middle America on Labor Day weekend. Canoes of plastic garbage bags - some filled with the usual contents.

Journal 11: October 22, 1997 through October 12, 1998. Back of the bus, er plane. Physical Oceanography mid-term taken, and now me and my Halsey apple are sitting in the last row of a US Air - 737 at LaGuardia Airport. Gary has been kind enough to watch my buddy, Boris, for the next four days while I visit the Carolinas. I didn't sleep for very long last night. Test thoughts and house thoughts competed w/ each other for my attention. The moonlight coming through the skylight made me feel good. I felt awake then, but now the bays I didn't check are hanging heavy under my eyes. Living in the studio has inspired me with simple housing ideas. My conversation w/ Irene Kuzak about the property on Lion Head Rock Rd got the house "I's" yelling and shouting. Just when I thought I was safe and had them tucked neatly away in a back drawer of my mind, one phone call and now they lie scattered hither and yon around my convoluted grey matter. The key, of course, to this house puzzle is selling the land. Selling the land for a reasonable price. The prospect of selling before sometime in January (the time the Kuzak's will be listing their property w/ a broker) seems optimistic. Time, as usual, will tell.

Journal 10: March 24, 1997 through October 2, 1997 Frist three pages are simple ink sketches of Carrot Island, NC March 24, 1997 A strong wind's blowing at my vback as I sit facing the south lookng across to Shackleford? Last night Diane and I took a ferry ride out of Beaufort to watch the partial lunar eclipse. About 30 people whre on the ferry billed as a lundar eclipse/fishing outing. Scott fromt he Maritime Museum gave3 an intro to lunar eclipse talk at the museum before we headed out. "ASCENDING NODE" is what sticks in the spaces of my brain. That's why we don't have a lunar eclipse every time we see a full moon. the moon revolves around the earth it's orbit making a plane which varies over time. He gave an excellent demo of the moving plane with his arms as a plane wobbling around the earth. An interesting guy. He's recently finished a Master's working with Hans Pearl at U.N.C. Morehead. His thesis project looking at the effect of flow (?) on the ability of blue green algae to fix nitrogen. "Heterocysts" the cells in which anoxic conditions are maintained allowing nitrogen fixation N2 to NO3 to occur. Apparently, using a special chamber, he was able to quantify th type and velocity of flow around the heterocysts and was able to whow that ? certain flows (non-laminar) were enough to break the heterocysts. Overall these blue-green algae aren't found in open waters which would be subject to waves.

September 7, 1995 through March 14, 1997

Priorities: for work next fall. 1. Job in aquaculture in Carteret Co. 2. Grad. school at U.N.C. Chapel Hill 3. Teaching at Secondary level in Carteret Co. 4.????? 9-8-95 A week into September. The morning, is, or was, till summer sounds of stillness, crickets and other insects, maybe cicadas, chirping in unison creating a background chorus. Winds of yesterday afternoon have fallen off. Boris was restless this morning at 5:00 and now is gone. He seems a different dog these past few days, older. Almost makes me think he's had some stroke or something. Yesterday morning he was waiting for me to eat breakfast, by standing in the kitchen staring straight ahead into space, then he'd move to the living room and do the same thing. No coffee yesterday morning and geez what a grouch, and over-sensitive, I was. Caffeine and I are buddies now. One of the next things I have to work on now is the statement of background interests and future plans in Marine Science for Grad School. My clock shows 6:00. Bo cleans and scratches his native fauna of fleas. The sky is lightening but darkness overtakes my gaze when looking below the tree line. Background: As an undergraduate engineering student at Penn State University I found that my interest in biology surpassed my interest in engineering. Maybe I should start this project with an outline: I. Engineering to Marine Science. II. Marine Science @ Southampton III. Natural Resources Experience. A. Shellfish Management Survey. B. Flagging Wetland; fresh and salt. IV. Smithsonian. A. Collecting algae-covered corals. B. Working on the boat, maintaining collections. C. Helping out @ Biosphere II. Closed system. V. Aquaculture for East Hampton Town. A. First season growing out seed purchased from hatcheries. B. Subsequent seasons conditioning animals, spawning, larval culture, post-set culture. 1. Benefits of moving from a large-cultch setting to a micro-cultch setting. 2. Improvements in spawning bay scallops and continued problems w/ conditioning bay scallops. 3. Concerns regarding mortality. a. Survival of clam seed after rerlease to market size. b. Overwintering of seed in 2 bottom types. 4. Realization in conducting research of my limited knowledge regarding experimenttion, ie setting up a valid experiment, and using the proper statistical analysis. 5. A need to write for grants. VI. Future plans relative to Marine Science. A. Setting up own small-scale business in coastal North Carolina growing oysters and clams. B. Would like to develop a system whereby oysters could be grown to market size w/out great losses. VII. Interests. A. Gaining a working knowledge and ability to successfully write for grants. B. Be capable of setting up valid scientific research. C. Learn about Marine microbiology and the effects of marine microbes on shellfish culture in coastal N.C.

New Journal: May 1, 1994 through September 4, 1995. GOALS: 1. Finish painting and preparing "Seasoned" by May 8 for her sale next week. Still waiting for buyer 6/5/94. 2. Get truck started, possibly painted, and sell. Sold truck July 4th weekend. 3. Pay off land and interest owed with a portion of proceeds from above sales. August 18th. 4. Save $20,000 by May 1, 1996. 5. Buy a sturdy, practical, inexpensive, simple boat for travelling up the Hudson Riveer, through the Great Lakes, down the Mississippi through the Gulf of Mexico and up the intracoastal. 6. Make the trip previously mentioned in one year's time beginning May 12, 1996. 7. Write and sell short stories before and during #5 and #6. 8. Study for G.R.E.'s, Take G.R.E.'s Spring '95. Get scholarship based on scores. 9. Get a PhD. in Biology - Shellfish Biology from Duke. 10. Start up adn runa a small, non-polluting, profitable bay scallop and/or oyster growing company. 11. Build the sea kayak before May 1, 1996.

A new journal: January 1993 through March 1994.

Maybe it's because when Tom's around he's talking and telling new stories. New words and patterns that I haven't heard before. I think of Tom as an average guy like myself. When I talk to Tom I don't feel nearly as self-conscious as I do with John. I still can't figure it out yet. Maybe because John is the "boss."  I don't think that's it either. As he said quite some time ago, I'm intimidated by him. Made timid. But why? Am I trying to win favor, acceptance, friendship, good judgment? Maybe one, some, or all. Maybe because I think we're similar in many personal philosophies I put great weight on his words as some kind of guide. You know, though, that doesn't work and as you can see it creates weird pressures.

This talk with Tony (D'Agostino) on Friday while frustrating and time consuming could be used for my edification. "Think about what you say before you say it and consider your reaction to other reaction." Not with everything at least not the last part. I think I wanted to stick a needle in Tony's side about Dixie Lee Ray, which is okay but then my reaction to what Tony was saying about me wasn't okay. If was emotionally charged. The fact is, I was putting down a "favorite" colleague of his. Anytime you "dismiss" a friend of someone you better be prepared for the vituperative, venomous response. Cause you know damn well that is what you'll get. You certainly don't have the gift of oration like 95% of the people around you. Be aware of that fact. Not that you can't improve. But right now you're on ground zero or pretty close to it when verbal exchanges take place. Don't forget to laugh. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

The laughing is one thing that I forget about underlying all life. The grand joke of God playing a joke with life. We're all a part of him. All of us in our many forms. But when I forget that and think of US and THEM life becomes the dichotomy. Republicans, Democrats, Gays, Anti Gays, Pro-Choice, Pro-Life. Right to Bear Arms, Gun Control movement. When Sandy's on the phone with Gary don't get bent out of shape. They, we are all one. You think your survival depends on Gary's love. It doesn't. He is but one portion of God. You don't have to worry about his love anyway because he'll always love you, just as you'll always love him. God loves everybody because they are all him. What a light that casts on this life. Instead of being down about what Gary's dreams are, help him, but be honest. Friendship is love. I guess my survival does depend on being loved. Gary's love, Mom's love, Terry's love, Karen's love, Diane's love. They are all a part of God. I care if they love me. What happens when they aren't around to love? Cross that bridge in its time remembering that we are all God.

Journal Dated January 3, 1992 through January 18, 1993.

The journal is a gift from my friends Karen Krozlowitz and Rich Muller. Gary and I lived w/ Rich and Karen at 95 Pelham Street, Southamptn, while they dated during her Senior year at Southampton College. Their gift of journal also contained a book on sketching.

January 3, 1992

I dedicate this book to Rick and Karen. My friends.

I'm twenty-seven years old. A little more than ten years older than when I started keeping a journal. I think this gift from R & K appeals to me because it seem like the only way I can slow down the clock.

I never thought I'd have chickens. Maybe the three chicks in the coup by the compost pile won't make it to adulthood. Already a fourth (Thelma) was eaten by a cat (I think) at Mom's.

I hope they live.

If some friend looked into the future when I was seventeen and said, "ten years from now you'll be hsaring a house with two friends, a dog, a guinea pig and three chickens, I'd know without a doubt that that friend was crazy. If someone told me that three years ago I'd think the animal part a bit much. For some, unknown to me, reason I'm gravitating towards animals and vice versa. I'm thinking about hwat it would be like to have a wife and children. I've never seriously thought about that before.

Seeing Grandma (Hassler) in the nursing home has a lot to do with family thoughts. So did seeing all the family at Diane and Bob's. Talking to Vicki (Marsland, neighbor/friend from Sale, Australia. She, living in the U.K. visited over the 1991 Christmas holiday) about friends and how friends get married and have kids. "It's a natural evolution," she says. I like that natural evolution. Maybe the seeds of naturalness are ripening inside me. Instinct is guiding me without cognitive knowledge. The desire for church, family, friends, animals are the outward signs of the guiding instinct.

pencil sketch of Rowena, my guinea pig.