Journal 17: November 6, 2000 through October 6, 2001. So much of life seems to be about Fear. Fear can crowd out desire. Fear deadens mind and spirit. Fear is the chain that weighs me down to the inevitable grave. I am alive still, I know, but a wall separates me from life. I see people living, loving, hurting each other and always, always fading into the distance. Out of my escapable reach. Arms outstretched adn all retreats. Dried up and out, I long for the rain to wash me into the ground, at least back to my home. Perhaps the worms will love me as they love life itself as they knead me into hiome. How long I have waited for my homecoming, yet I have waited half a lifetime. Dry, barren, my skin is cracked, my remaining hairs turn to grey. I am older than my oldest sibling. I fear and surround myself in the cloak of death to spare myself pain and suffering. Can I separate myself from fear enough to love, enough to forget about self. To truely love, you must give up self. Give it to what? December 6, 2000. Crystal clear, cold blackness inside and out. Waves break on the sand; white crests are illuminated by a waxing moon. Last ballroom dancing class. I think it'll be smaller than usual group tonight. Quiet solitude at home and work. I'm into too much negative thinking since Thanksgiving. Morning walks before work have felt good, but I'm troubled about the land, thinking about selling the house and moving south, but to what? Another life filled w/ running too and fro thinking I'm helping others, but not really doing anything. I keep thinking that I need to start weight lifting or swimming at the Rec Center. I don't like how I'm thinking about myself and life in general. What's going on? I need a change, but am afraid that I'll be a junkie for never ending change. Cold creeps into the truck as I sit here writing, deep in my ceaseless thoughts. Too much thinking not enough doing. Will a plan help me out of this state? I need something, but don't know what, who or where to look. A drink before and w/ dinner the last two nights have helped, but I don't want to go too far down that road. Diagram for steps to the Cha Cha. Fun class. I reslove to go to Sugar Reef next Tuesday @ 7:00 p.m. for more Latin dancing lessons.