Journal 12: September 1, 1997 to ??? notes from O.P.S. class in Fall 1998. September 1, 1997. Delaware River - Smithfield Beach Access. End of a canoe trip with Gary, Darcy, George, Hershey (Darcy and George's dog), Bo and I. We hordes are ascending the slope to whre vans and buses pick us up. Middle America on Labor Day weekend. Canoes of plastic garbage bags - some filled with the usual contents.

Journal 11: October 22, 1997 through October 12, 1998. Back of the bus, er plane. Physical Oceanography mid-term taken, and now me and my Halsey apple are sitting in the last row of a US Air - 737 at LaGuardia Airport. Gary has been kind enough to watch my buddy, Boris, for the next four days while I visit the Carolinas. I didn't sleep for very long last night. Test thoughts and house thoughts competed w/ each other for my attention. The moonlight coming through the skylight made me feel good. I felt awake then, but now the bays I didn't check are hanging heavy under my eyes. Living in the studio has inspired me with simple housing ideas. My conversation w/ Irene Kuzak about the property on Lion Head Rock Rd got the house "I's" yelling and shouting. Just when I thought I was safe and had them tucked neatly away in a back drawer of my mind, one phone call and now they lie scattered hither and yon around my convoluted grey matter. The key, of course, to this house puzzle is selling the land. Selling the land for a reasonable price. The prospect of selling before sometime in January (the time the Kuzak's will be listing their property w/ a broker) seems optimistic. Time, as usual, will tell.

Journal 10: March 24, 1997 through October 2, 1997 Frist three pages are simple ink sketches of Carrot Island, NC March 24, 1997 A strong wind's blowing at my vback as I sit facing the south lookng across to Shackleford? Last night Diane and I took a ferry ride out of Beaufort to watch the partial lunar eclipse. About 30 people whre on the ferry billed as a lundar eclipse/fishing outing. Scott fromt he Maritime Museum gave3 an intro to lunar eclipse talk at the museum before we headed out. "ASCENDING NODE" is what sticks in the spaces of my brain. That's why we don't have a lunar eclipse every time we see a full moon. the moon revolves around the earth it's orbit making a plane which varies over time. He gave an excellent demo of the moving plane with his arms as a plane wobbling around the earth. An interesting guy. He's recently finished a Master's working with Hans Pearl at U.N.C. Morehead. His thesis project looking at the effect of flow (?) on the ability of blue green algae to fix nitrogen. "Heterocysts" the cells in which anoxic conditions are maintained allowing nitrogen fixation N2 to NO3 to occur. Apparently, using a special chamber, he was able to quantify th type and velocity of flow around the heterocysts and was able to whow that ? certain flows (non-laminar) were enough to break the heterocysts. Overall these blue-green algae aren't found in open waters which would be subject to waves.

September 7, 1995 through March 14, 1997

Priorities: for work next fall. 1. Job in aquaculture in Carteret Co. 2. Grad. school at U.N.C. Chapel Hill 3. Teaching at Secondary level in Carteret Co. 4.????? 9-8-95 A week into September. The morning, is, or was, till summer sounds of stillness, crickets and other insects, maybe cicadas, chirping in unison creating a background chorus. Winds of yesterday afternoon have fallen off. Boris was restless this morning at 5:00 and now is gone. He seems a different dog these past few days, older. Almost makes me think he's had some stroke or something. Yesterday morning he was waiting for me to eat breakfast, by standing in the kitchen staring straight ahead into space, then he'd move to the living room and do the same thing. No coffee yesterday morning and geez what a grouch, and over-sensitive, I was. Caffeine and I are buddies now. One of the next things I have to work on now is the statement of background interests and future plans in Marine Science for Grad School. My clock shows 6:00. Bo cleans and scratches his native fauna of fleas. The sky is lightening but darkness overtakes my gaze when looking below the tree line. Background: As an undergraduate engineering student at Penn State University I found that my interest in biology surpassed my interest in engineering. Maybe I should start this project with an outline: I. Engineering to Marine Science. II. Marine Science @ Southampton III. Natural Resources Experience. A. Shellfish Management Survey. B. Flagging Wetland; fresh and salt. IV. Smithsonian. A. Collecting algae-covered corals. B. Working on the boat, maintaining collections. C. Helping out @ Biosphere II. Closed system. V. Aquaculture for East Hampton Town. A. First season growing out seed purchased from hatcheries. B. Subsequent seasons conditioning animals, spawning, larval culture, post-set culture. 1. Benefits of moving from a large-cultch setting to a micro-cultch setting. 2. Improvements in spawning bay scallops and continued problems w/ conditioning bay scallops. 3. Concerns regarding mortality. a. Survival of clam seed after rerlease to market size. b. Overwintering of seed in 2 bottom types. 4. Realization in conducting research of my limited knowledge regarding experimenttion, ie setting up a valid experiment, and using the proper statistical analysis. 5. A need to write for grants. VI. Future plans relative to Marine Science. A. Setting up own small-scale business in coastal North Carolina growing oysters and clams. B. Would like to develop a system whereby oysters could be grown to market size w/out great losses. VII. Interests. A. Gaining a working knowledge and ability to successfully write for grants. B. Be capable of setting up valid scientific research. C. Learn about Marine microbiology and the effects of marine microbes on shellfish culture in coastal N.C.

New Journal: May 1, 1994 through September 4, 1995. GOALS: 1. Finish painting and preparing "Seasoned" by May 8 for her sale next week. Still waiting for buyer 6/5/94. 2. Get truck started, possibly painted, and sell. Sold truck July 4th weekend. 3. Pay off land and interest owed with a portion of proceeds from above sales. August 18th. 4. Save $20,000 by May 1, 1996. 5. Buy a sturdy, practical, inexpensive, simple boat for travelling up the Hudson Riveer, through the Great Lakes, down the Mississippi through the Gulf of Mexico and up the intracoastal. 6. Make the trip previously mentioned in one year's time beginning May 12, 1996. 7. Write and sell short stories before and during #5 and #6. 8. Study for G.R.E.'s, Take G.R.E.'s Spring '95. Get scholarship based on scores. 9. Get a PhD. in Biology - Shellfish Biology from Duke. 10. Start up adn runa a small, non-polluting, profitable bay scallop and/or oyster growing company. 11. Build the sea kayak before May 1, 1996.

A new journal: January 1993 through March 1994.

Maybe it's because when Tom's around he's talking and telling new stories. New words and patterns that I haven't heard before. I think of Tom as an average guy like myself. When I talk to Tom I don't feel nearly as self-conscious as I do with John. I still can't figure it out yet. Maybe because John is the "boss."  I don't think that's it either. As he said quite some time ago, I'm intimidated by him. Made timid. But why? Am I trying to win favor, acceptance, friendship, good judgment? Maybe one, some, or all. Maybe because I think we're similar in many personal philosophies I put great weight on his words as some kind of guide. You know, though, that doesn't work and as you can see it creates weird pressures.

This talk with Tony (D'Agostino) on Friday while frustrating and time consuming could be used for my edification. "Think about what you say before you say it and consider your reaction to other reaction." Not with everything at least not the last part. I think I wanted to stick a needle in Tony's side about Dixie Lee Ray, which is okay but then my reaction to what Tony was saying about me wasn't okay. If was emotionally charged. The fact is, I was putting down a "favorite" colleague of his. Anytime you "dismiss" a friend of someone you better be prepared for the vituperative, venomous response. Cause you know damn well that is what you'll get. You certainly don't have the gift of oration like 95% of the people around you. Be aware of that fact. Not that you can't improve. But right now you're on ground zero or pretty close to it when verbal exchanges take place. Don't forget to laugh. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

The laughing is one thing that I forget about underlying all life. The grand joke of God playing a joke with life. We're all a part of him. All of us in our many forms. But when I forget that and think of US and THEM life becomes the dichotomy. Republicans, Democrats, Gays, Anti Gays, Pro-Choice, Pro-Life. Right to Bear Arms, Gun Control movement. When Sandy's on the phone with Gary don't get bent out of shape. They, we are all one. You think your survival depends on Gary's love. It doesn't. He is but one portion of God. You don't have to worry about his love anyway because he'll always love you, just as you'll always love him. God loves everybody because they are all him. What a light that casts on this life. Instead of being down about what Gary's dreams are, help him, but be honest. Friendship is love. I guess my survival does depend on being loved. Gary's love, Mom's love, Terry's love, Karen's love, Diane's love. They are all a part of God. I care if they love me. What happens when they aren't around to love? Cross that bridge in its time remembering that we are all God.

Journal Dated January 3, 1992 through January 18, 1993.

The journal is a gift from my friends Karen Krozlowitz and Rich Muller. Gary and I lived w/ Rich and Karen at 95 Pelham Street, Southamptn, while they dated during her Senior year at Southampton College. Their gift of journal also contained a book on sketching.

January 3, 1992

I dedicate this book to Rick and Karen. My friends.

I'm twenty-seven years old. A little more than ten years older than when I started keeping a journal. I think this gift from R & K appeals to me because it seem like the only way I can slow down the clock.

I never thought I'd have chickens. Maybe the three chicks in the coup by the compost pile won't make it to adulthood. Already a fourth (Thelma) was eaten by a cat (I think) at Mom's.

I hope they live.

If some friend looked into the future when I was seventeen and said, "ten years from now you'll be hsaring a house with two friends, a dog, a guinea pig and three chickens, I'd know without a doubt that that friend was crazy. If someone told me that three years ago I'd think the animal part a bit much. For some, unknown to me, reason I'm gravitating towards animals and vice versa. I'm thinking about hwat it would be like to have a wife and children. I've never seriously thought about that before.

Seeing Grandma (Hassler) in the nursing home has a lot to do with family thoughts. So did seeing all the family at Diane and Bob's. Talking to Vicki (Marsland, neighbor/friend from Sale, Australia. She, living in the U.K. visited over the 1991 Christmas holiday) about friends and how friends get married and have kids. "It's a natural evolution," she says. I like that natural evolution. Maybe the seeds of naturalness are ripening inside me. Instinct is guiding me without cognitive knowledge. The desire for church, family, friends, animals are the outward signs of the guiding instinct.

pencil sketch of Rowena, my guinea pig.